Saudade (n). 1.the feeling of longing for someone or something that you love and have lost
2.”the love that remains” after someone is gone
“Sometimes I wonder how you think about it now
And I see your face in every crowd”-Holy Ground, Taylor Swift
There are days when I see you everywhere, in almost anyone. The curve of that person’s jaw reminds me of you, their eyes remind me of your smile, that strand of hair brushing their forehead reminds me of that day when you were just standing there, drenched from the pouring rain, uncut hair sticking to your neck and I felt that strange ache to reach out for you.
“It was months and months of back and forth
You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore”-Clean, Taylor Swift
There are moments when I hear you everywhere. The verses of some songs still remind me of you. Sometimes I reach out and change the song; sometimes I reach out and turn the volume up. Controversial actions that are representatives of my thoughts.
Every time that song plays, you are there in my head. Sometimes the pain is harsh and I yearn to forget; sometimes it dulls to an ache that is happy and nostalgic.
“We live and breathe words”-Will Herondale, Clockwork Prince by Cassandra Clare
Words are the worst- especially my own. Stories and poetry and things that I read are what I reach for when there is nothing else. When I catch traces of you in them, too, there is nowhere left to hide. No way left to forget. No place left to escape to.
I write about everything- about anything in my life that contains a flash of emotion. Thoughts are easier to put down in writing, but written words don’t die as fast as spoken words do and all those words I wrote keep my memory intact.
Some days, when I am searching among pages of scribbling for inspiration, I find those words I wrote about you. They insist on carrying you from the past to my present. I am terrified you will seep into my future too. Those words I wrote for you; they’re keeping you alive.
“Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering
What you had and what you lost”-Dreams, Bastille ft. Gabrielle Aplin
There are some things I still do.
Flinch when someone uses that phrase I have come to relate to you; suppress those rushes of blind feeling; turn my back on thoughts of you; flood my head with everything I can to push you away.
I am still trying to drown you out. Why did I ever let you claim that space in my world?