“All those paper people living in their paper houses,burning the future to stay warm.”-Paper Towns, John Green
Everybody wants to talk about my future. Everybody but me.
I don’t quite know what’s wrong with me, but I feel this surge of annoyance and anger and irritation every time somebody asks me what I’m going to do with my life.
It is either physically impossible for me to scream at them, or my mental restraint is greater than I ever knew it was, because I’ve been responding as politely as possible to questions and queries that sound more like interrogations, lectures that contain hidden barbs and advice that is so genuine that I hate getting pissed off because of it.
Maybe it’s just me.
I am uncertain these days-moody, more than before(resisting temptation to make jokes about how my eyes roll into the back of my head- though mine roll because of frustration and not because I wish to see through my head).
I think I’ve chosen the absolute worst period of my life to become the kind of person people think of on hearing the word “teenager”.
I am confused. Lost.
I’ve actually taken to sob- weeping randomly. Scary? Yes, yes, it is.
I’m also out of control. I’m getting angry…for every small reason(as proven by the first few lines).
I used to be able to stay calm.
Take a step back, hold the anger in. Survey the situation and not lose my head. It’s probably terribly bad for health, but I used to dam up the rage and let it out through banging keys, slicing thermocol into pieces with steel scales, silently screaming (I can feel people starting to back away from me after this statement), hitting the sofa(no sound produced) and, most frequently these days, writing.
I read out a part of my extremely secretive “diary”(It’s a locked and hidden word document. Not much of a diary, but an actual diary with an actual lock would attract too much suspicion) to one of my best friends. A part of it was pretty angry- when I was done, she told I had a “lot of hidden violence” inside me.
Not really. No urges to strangle people, burn down houses, or commit homicide.
I do, however, have a truly terrible temper(Alliteration!That still makes me happy)- I just push away the negativeness. No, it does not fester inside me and create pockets of darkness. It’s dispelled by tornadoes and hurricanes of guilt. Because whenever I get angry at people, I feel an overwhelming rush of guilt.
I also hate getting angry at people because it upsets me more than it upsets them.
And now I’m getting angry all the time. So I’m upset all the time. And I’m angry that I’m upset.
I’m going in circles. I HATE CIRCLES. HATE THEM, I TELL YOU.
That’s it. I officially feel like Cho Chang, when she was shedding various emotions like my doggie sheds hair(that is not a lightly made comparison). And that reminds me of an incredibly beautiful scene in OOTP.
“Ron said, “One person can’t feel all that at once, they’d explode.”
“Just because you’ve got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn’t mean we all have,” said Hermione nastily, picking up her quill again.”-Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, J. K. Rowling
I make too many HP references. Forgive me, everyone who doesn’t know what I’m talking about. Or rather, I forgive you for the error you’ve made in not reading HP. Go redeem yourselves by pulling open Philosopher’s Stone and drowning in the universe that will open up before you and then proceed to swallow you whole.
I think I’ll end this post and join you at it- though I will be exploring an old world*, one whose secrets I often think I know until I remember that there is always more to discover. Deathly Hallows is sitting on my printer, awaiting my return.
*Reference to Fangirl, by Rainbow Rowell
P.S. That was an extremely rambly post. Sorry about that. Just re-read it. I sound crazy. Hahahahahahahaha(That…didn’t help in diluting the craziness, did it?).